Full disclosure – the title of the post is also the title of one of the EPs put out by my husband’s band in the mid 2000s. How fitting to commandeer this title to talk about the heartbreak of losing him.
“The Everyday Broken Heart” is exactly how divorce feels to me.
Both my older brothers are divorced. My best friend is divorced. Several close friends are divorced. In every instance of divorce for those closest to me – they were escaping toxic or abusive relationships. They either were relieved to escape, or even if there were still romantic feelings – leaving was their choice.
Meanwhile, despite having reasons for why I should have been the one to leave, I have never wanted to. Even now, agreeing this is what is necessary, it’s not really what I want. If I had my way, we’d work on our problems and stick it out for the long haul. No matter how “mutual” we frame this decision, at the end of the day I feel like I am the one being left, and I do feel abandoned. It is really no shock that I am struggling with feelings of inadeqency, and the usual questions: Am I not worth fighting for? Why don’t you love me anymore? Why do I still love you so much despite you giving me so many reasons not to?
I’ve been surprisingly okay these past few months. I haven’t avoided the grief, but I also haven’t found myself in any sort of ongoing depressive state. I’ve even had some moments where I feel distant from my husband, or imagine a future without him in it and feel something akin to excited anticipation.
But not today. Today, is a sad day. I’ve been sensing my husband moving, and I keep finding myself in tears. His relief and desire to get on with life is making me feel very alone – because I’m not ready to move on. I’m still grieving the loss of the person I thought was my life partner and the love of my life. It feels like another layer of rejection, and my confidence is pretty low right now. I am no where close to wanting to move-on, or live life solo without a partner.
As I was holding back tears today, trying to figure out where to put these feelings (not wanting to worry my friends or family, or even hear them tell me I deserve better), I did an online search for divorce support groups. I was shocked to find that there’s very little out there. I expected there to be thriving online communities for people to talk about shared experiences (I did attempt to get some divorce content into my TikTok algorithm), but struggled to really find one. The in-person options available in my area were all religious in nature. Maybe I’ll try one at some point, but I’ve been avoiding things religious in tone due to the stigma divorce still has in Christian circles (and my suspicion that people use the group as a place to find new partners).
How is it that this experience can be so common, and yet I still feel so alone?
I know every situation is unique, but this heartbreak – as painful as it feels – is so ordinary, isn’t it?
What exactly am I supposed to do with my everyday broken heart?
Woman Asunder 