It’s not uncommon for deconstruction to lead to divorce. It’s especially common when only one spouse finds themselves questioning. You can end up in such different places idealogically that you no longer feel compatible.
That wasn’t the case for us. If anything, deconstruction brought us closer. It allowed us to be truly honest, maybe for the first time. We grew in the same direction, came to similar conclusions, and felt a lot of freedom and support.
But deconstruction was still the domino that led to our separation because when we started being honest we discovered that our feelings for one another were different. Deconstruction also allowed us to reframe those feelings, and divorce itself, as normal, even healthy, and ultimately it destigmatized something previously viewed as shameful.
I don’t want my husband to stay married to me because he feels judged or shamed for wanting a divorce. I don’t want him to hide his true feelings or pretend to feel differently. I don’t want him to feel guilty for being honest about his feelings and what he wants. None of that would be healthy for either of us. I am thankful to have deconstructed my faith–and I think we are both better for it. It wasn’t differing values, but rather better understanding, that landed us here.
I’m still hurt, though.
I still wish he felt differenly–that he felt the same way about me, that I have always felt about him. I still wish he hadn’t fallen out of love with me.
I want good things for him, but I’m also angry and sad. I still feel scared about my future and resentment towards him. I know I need to acknowledge all of those feelings. I know they’re valid. I know they can’t be ignored and must be processed. I know that it will be increasingly difficult to remain “logical” while struggling to repair a broken heart.
But, I honestly just want to skip to the end. I wish there was an off switch for my feelings. I truly feel like my husband and I could have a very healthy and happy relationship of a different kind. We could be close friends and coparents who truly want to see the other happy and enjoy spending time with each other. I know that probably isn’t very realistic when you account for hurt feelings, coping mechanisms, and new partners; but realistic or not, I truly believe it’s possible.
My husband once said that he wished we felt the same way about each other. Either we were both in love, or we both felt ready to move on. Either way, we’d be on the same page.
Unfortunately, it’s rarely the case that two people stay so aligned in their feelings. If it were that simple, divorce wouldn’t be so common. Feelings are complicated, messy, and personal. It’s why I have so often tried to deny them and rely on logic.
Don’t get me wrong. Feelings aren’t bad. And more than just feelings are needed for a successful romantic partnership. Having similar values and a similar outlook on relationships themselves is pretty critical. It’s just that, I know I can’t change how my husband feels, and since I feel differently the logical conclusion is that I should work on changing how I feel. The only thing I can control, is myself.
That’s where it gets sticky though. Denying my own feelings feels like self-abandonment. I should be allowed to feel however I feel without shame. Feelings are simply an indication of our deeper emotional lives. Why doesn’t he have to work to change how he feels, but I have to change how I feel? That doesn’t seem fair at all.
Fair or not, the kicker is this–
I cannot force him to feel differently anymore than he can force me to feel differently. We just have to both accept how the other feels and move forward. Unfortunately, someone won’t get what they want no matter what is chosen…and much to my disappointment, the someone in this case is me.
I cannot hold my husband captive (nor do I want to), and in letting him go, he gets what he wants and I don’t. It’s just the reality of the situation. Having accepted that reality, naturally I want to get over him. I don’t have to deny my current feelings–but I do have to move on and work towards a new life where those feelings are in the past.
In a way, I now have to deconstruct my beliefs about love and relationships. Once I’ve done that, I can start to heal and rebuild. An optimistic person might even say I have the opportunity to build something even better.
I don’t currently feel all that optimistic, but I am hopeful that will change.
Woman Asunder 