Is divorce a good thing or a bad thing? The answer is (of course) that it depends on the divorce. All divorces are different. For someone escaping an abusive situation, it’s undoubtedly a good thing. For those who felt blindsided by it or had their life turned upside down, it would be hard to see it as anything but bad. I am sure someday I will look back at mine and see it as a combination of both and that I will see the complexity of who I was as I went through this difficult chapter. But right now, that combination feels at odds – like I am two completely different people day-to-day, hour-to-hour, with no idea which version of me will come out today.
Somedays I look at my ex-husband and feel so much love and attraction still that it hurts. He was my person. The one I wanted to spend forever with. I often feel pessimistic that I’ll ever find someone else that checks all the same boxes. I liked being married. I didn’t want to get divorced. I was happy. And while I am thankful for an amicable split and continued friendship with him, seeing him move on is difficult to cope with. It’s hard not to take that personally and the rejection and grief can get overwhelming. I’ve had days where my anxiety is so bad that I find myself breathing through panic attacks, unable to get out of bed, and yet also unable to sleep.
Other days, I focus on the ways in which my marriage was harmful. I find myself telling people that I wouldn’t want to get back with my husband at this point, or that things would need to be drastically different to consider that an option. There is a very small part of me that believes I could find someone better. It’s a small part because I am so picky. It’s not that I don’t think there will be men intersted in me. It’s that I am not interested in any of those men. What would feel exciting and compatiable to me is so very specific that I feel it may be unrealistic. Intellectually, I would actually prefer to be happy alone. But as someone who struggles with codependency, the thought of being alone forever is both terrifying, and somehow embarrassing.
It’s weird, isn’t it? How we feel things about ourselves that we would never project onto others. I have friends who are single, never married – whom I don’t think of as sad, or judge, at all. I have divorced friends that say that they will never again get married – and that seems perfectly reasonable. Why would I seem sad if I stayed single? Is it maybe the idea that if I stay single and my husband moves on that he’s “upgraded” and that I was somehow deficient? I have this fear that he’ll find someone better to replace me with, and that I’ll have to read the posts about him “finally finding his person” and how amazing some other woman is – all the things I wasn’t. It feels like his lack of regret and happiness is a personal assault on my own worth. I know this isn’t true – but it feels that way.
No one in my own circle thinks this. In fact, they’re all much harder on my ex. They think I deserve better. And yet, that is very hard for me to agree with when I feel this loss of the life I thought I was going to have, with the person that I thought was my partner for life.
It’s scary to be alone. There’s no one to pick up the slack (load the dishwasher, make dinner) on your rough days. There’s no one there when things go bad to say “we’ll figure this out together.” There’s no one to travel with, to plan with, to tell about your day when you get home. There’s no one to make you feel known and loved just as you are. You’re on your own. It’s up to you to get it done, to give yourself all of the things you need.
This post already feels like it’s very scattered and perhaps just a rehash of things I’ve already written about. But I guess that’s appropriate. Divorce recovery is messy, and the feelings are complicated. I’m entering one of the hardest stages of recovery – and emotionally, I’m a bit of a mess. I guess my hoping is that writing this down helps me process and keep moving forward.
Divorce sucks, yall.
Woman Asunder 