It seems that I usually find myself here (on this blog) writing when I am having a tough day. Most of my posts have been written as a way to process my lingering romantic feelings, the sadness and frustration I feel about my circumstances, or my doubts and fears about the future. I even have a “rage” post sitting in my drafts.
I am okay with that being what this space is for, and the fact that I find myself here only occasionally is an indication to myself that I’ve been handling things pretty well for the most part.
But I also find myself wishing that I was documenting the “wins,” such as the moments when I’m feeling optimistic, or at peace. I want those feelings on the record as well. There are still moments of joy in the midst of all of this that I’d like to capture. When I look back at this time in my life, I want to see the whole picture.
I want that, but the truth is that most of my time is spent in more of a state of numbness / reluctant acceptance, than any extreme emotion. The deep sadness only comes occasionally. The sense of loss never seems to fully go away, but most days I genuinely feel fine. Not great, not terrible – just fine. I am living my day-to-day life pretty much as I always have.
There have even been occasions where I felt like I was on the path to “getting over it”. Evenings when my feelings for my husband feel distant, and days when I dream about some other romantic encounter. Most of the time I think about what and who I am losing, and feel pessimistic about my options. But there are also these moments of feeling otherwise that give me hope for how I’ll feel someday.
Even if the odds are slim, I know that it is possible that someday I’ll be thankful for this outcome (my marriage ending) – because maybe, just maybe, I’ll find myself happier than ever. Maybe I’ll meet someone who feels right, and makes me look back with gratitude that this relationship ended so that I could find something that fit so much better. Or MAYBE I could even find contentment without a romantic partner at all! Wouldn’t that be something?
So here I am – having a bad week. After a string of good weeks, and increasing optimism overall – I’ve had a set-back. I am back in a depressive state where my only goal is coping with the sadness and getting through the day. I want to rehash all of those feelings here. I want to write about what triggered me, and how sad I am. I want to write about why it’s so hard to get over him, and why it hurts so much to accept how he feels.
But I am not going to do that. Instead, I am going to tell you the person I wish I was, and want to become.
I want to be the kind of person who does not need, nor feels any shame for not having, a romantic partner.
I want to like being single. The freedom. The fact that anyone I meet could be “the one” or a fun fling. The lack of responsibility for someone else’s feelings, meals, and plans. The guilt-free purchases, takeout, and delays in cleaning.
I want to be happy for my ex when he meets someone new. I want to harbor no jealously, and certainly no embarrassment or shame if he ends up in a relationship where he’s happy, or remarried (and I’m not). I want to be able to have a friendship with him that lasts. I want to see our time together as just that, our time together, and not see its end as a failure.
I want to be the person who says things like:
“Yes, I’ve been married before. I really think marriage can be a beautiful thing. Mine didn’t work out in the end, but I have no regrets and I am grateful for that time. I learned a lot about myself and romantic partnership. I feel better equipped now to know what I am looking for and how to be a good partner.”
“I am open to finding a romantic partner, and even getting married again someday, but it’s not a priority right now. I am happy just enjoying my life and being a mom. A romantic partner would just be a bonus at this point.”
“I don’t really know if I’ll ever get married again. I like being single.”
“I like having time to myself, and time with just me and my son. Living alone has been enjoyable. I enjoyed the partnership of marriage, but the freedom to make my own plans and choices just based on what I want is nice too.”
“I am very happy unpartnered, and it would take a very special person to make me want to partner up again.”
“I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. I’ve enjoyed being in a relationship, and now I’m enjoying singleness. Who knows what the future holds, but I am very happy where I am right now.”
I want to be this person. I am always impressed and envious of people who really seem to thrive and have no shame/fear when it comes to their singleness. In a culture that often feels made for couples, being a single adult can feel complicated. Friendships can feel more difficult to find and maintain. And at times, there’s a stigma – a sense of failure or not being worthy – that seeps in. Yet, I have never met a single person and thought there was something wrong with them – especially not if they seem really happy, successful, or appear to be single by choice. It never seems sad to live the life you’ve chosen for yourself. And it shouldn’t be seen as sad if you’re finding joy in a life you would not have chosen for yourself.
That is how I’d like to come across to the world – someone who could be in a relationship, but chooses not to be. Someone open to romance, but not in need of it. Someone who has fulfilling relationships and enjoys life, without needing a partner to do so.
I am not that person currently. I still feel shame for my marriage ending, rejected by the person I loved, and pessimistic about life as a single mom in my thirties and beyond. I truly like being partnered – and going through life alone feels scary and sad right now. But–
I am in charge of my life and who I become, so I will pursue the things that get me closer to being this person. A happy, single adult – respected and thriving. Not bitter, not ashamed, not even sad – just optimistic and at peace. Someone joyful to be around. My future self.
Woman Asunder 