Back in May, I wrote about how my divorce has been a slow and mostly amicable process. I found myself wondering if I was actually doing well, or just repressing things more than I realized. I knew it was time to start setting boundaries – but I have struggled with knowing exactly which boundaries I need to set.
Ironically, for the last couple of months (almost immediately after writing those thoughts down), I’ve really been struggling. The intense emotions I was expecting all along seemed to finally hit me, and they hit me hard. Depression, anxiety, grief; and with them physical illness, insomnia, lack of appetite, and weight loss. All the things that I have come came to expect during periods of emotional upheaval finally appeared.
I don’t think all of this hit me because I was repressing my emotions. I think it hit me because I was faced with some new and unexpected realities that I just wasn’t prepared to deal with. As I started “uncovering” these uncomfortable truths (i.e. immature things my ex was doing mostly), I was taken aback and maybe a bit shocked. I probably shouldn’t have been so surprised. That has been my pattern, really. I get to a place where I recognize that I have to accept that my ex just isn’t the person I thought he was, and I realize I just don’t like this version of him. But before I can really get to a place of indifference, or set a firm boundary, something shifts. We have a good talk, or we spend some time together and he seems like his old self, and I start to believe in him again. This isn’t a belief that he’s changed or we should be together, just belief that deep down he’s a good person and has good intentions. I don’t know if that’s empathy or just me excusing his bad behavior. I go back and forth between believing he’s not a bad person, and wondering how a good person could possibly do the things he’s done. Sometimes I feel like I am an idiot for believing in him and believing he’s being honest, when he’s given me so much reason to doubt him. But I also NEED to believe he’s not a bad person in order to keep things “good” between us so that we can co-parent without it getting messy. Maybe I am in a bit of denial?
I’ve been actively practicing “feeling” my feelings, and riding them out. One thing therapy has helped with is understanding that I can’t avoid negative feelings (and trying to makes it worse), but I can get through them. I’ve found myself recognizing that as shitty as I may feel right now – I will come out the other side of it. And I can see the progress. In my early twenties – the grief of a breakup would be so ever present that it felt like it would never pass. It could take months, even years, to get past it. Now, I know I’ll feel better (or at least feel “ok” again) pretty quickly. Maybe a couple days. Maybe even in just a couple of hours. As I let myself process and talk about it, the sting quickly evaporates.
That’s not repression, and it’s definitely progress compared to pre-therapy me, but I do worry that I might just be “intellectualizing” my emotions. Intellectualization is a defense mechanism that involves using reasoning and logic to avoid uncomfortable emotions. It can be a healthy coping strategy in some situations, but it can also become unhealthy if it’s used too frequently. I have a tendency to “talk myself out” of negative emotions. I reason with myself. If I’m sad about how my ex is acting, I tell myself – hey, it’s ok to feel sad, but it’s none of your business what he does with his life. Is he hurting anyone other than you? If you didn’t have lingering feelings would this even bother you? – etc. And I don’t know if that’s a good thing (I often feel better after I get some perspective), or a bad thing (am I avoiding emotions that are going to just come back with even more intensity later?). I don’t know. I never feel good long before something else triggers me. What I do know is that, I’m okay. I’m also not okay. And it’s just going to be both for awhile.
I cannot change my ex – not his behavior, not his thoughts, not his opinions. All I have control over is myself: what I think and what choices I make. I’ll always prioritize the safety and well-being of my son; but beyond that – I am only responsible for myself. If my ex’s actions are hurting me, I can’t force him to understand that or to stop doing the things that hurt me. And right now, I can’t control the fact that it hurts. What I can do is protect myself, and that means setting boundaries – creating distance – and continuing to move forward. On my terms. In my own time.
Woman Asunder 