It is been 10 months since I posted here, so I apologize for how rambling this update may turn out to be.
My last post (July 2024) was right after “all hell broke loose” – i.e. my amicable split got messy for the first time. My ex did something selfish, immature, and hurtful – and there was fallout. Friendships were lost, relationships were damaged, and I was angry. For the first time, I let myself be really, truly angry. I said everything I wanted to say. I spoke my hurt out loud. I decided that I was done protecting him from the consequences of his actions. I exited the situation and let it play out.
While I often wish he’d not done the thing he did, I ended up feeling like it was probably good that it happened. Letting him fuck up his life completely independent of me seemed to be a bit of a wake-up call. I think there was a realization that he was the problem (whereas maybe he wanted to believe we just weren’t right for each other) and that he had to address his patterns and issues, or they’d just keep repeating themselves in every relationship after me. After it all imploded, he finally went to therapy. It also led to better boundaries and us taking a lot more space from one another. Less overlap in our social lives meant more room to start moving on.
So, I tried to start moving on. I downloaded dating apps, and started talking to people and going on dates. Dating apps are just as terrible as they say, and I wasn’t on them for long. But the experiment helped alleviate a lot of my fears about dating. I was afraid that only very older men would want to date me. That wasn’t the case. I was afraid no one would be attracted to me. Turns out, finding men who want to sleep with you is incredibly easy. I also realized that I could have a boyfriend if I wanted one. Overall, it was helpful to know these things – even if I didn’t meet anyone that I felt excited about.
We were officially divorced by the end of November 2024.
By the start of the new year, I already needed a break from dating. The contentment and peace I cultivated over the next 5 months made me realize that I didn’t need a relationship to be happy or to build the life I wanted. I also really, really don’t want to settle. I don’t want to be in a relationship again at all, unless it is with someone I’m truly excited about. I’ve already been in a long 15+ year relationship and I am not in a rush to be in another.
My ex and I were able to get to a healthy place again and even took a family vacation (long promised) with our son together in February.
Ok, you’re basically filled in on the past 10 months, and I’ve landed in a relatively healthy spot. I’ve been focusing on myself and feeling good most of the time.
But grief is a bitch, and I’ve found myself in another wave of it lately. I know that grief isn’t linear, and is sometimes triggered unexpectedly, but it’s still fucking annoying. It’s been over two years. I want to be over it. I don’t want to be sad, or miss him, or feel resentful about him being in a seemingly healthy relationship now. And I certainly don’t want to need a new partner to get over it.
But here I am…crying again. *sigh*
Woman Asunder 