It’s been another year since posting here. This blog was an outlet for processing my divorce, and now 2 years after it was finalized, I don’t find I need this space to do that anymore. I am glad to have the record, and it served it’s purpose for the time that I needed it.
But, honestly, I am doing really well. I am very content at the moment. In fact, I genuinely am enjoying being alone. Although I will always believe in and value romantic partnership (and I honestly believe it will find me again someday), I also truly believe that it’s not required to create a life that I love living.
There are pros and cons to living both single and partnered. As a single person, I miss having someone “in it” with me. The safety net of another person to figure things out when things go wrong. A coparent who can tap in when you need a minute to regroup. The companionship of always having a built in date, having someone to make vacation plans with and to listen to you talk about your day, having that person who just knows you and makes you feel seen. All of that is wonderful, and worth the effort that it takes to live with someone and make the relationship work.
I think we should pursue the relationships we want in life, but we can also choose to build a life that doesn’t necessarily include a romantic partner. That’s just as valid. I certainly didn’t plan to be divorced in my late thirties. I didn’t land here on purpose. It wasn’t want I wanted for myself. But – I am here and my life is no less valuable because I ended up here. Singleness has some pretty nice perks of its own. No navigating someone else’s moods or opinions (well, at least not on the days I don’t have my teenager at home with me, haha). The freedom to use my disposable income on the things I enjoy, even when it’s impulsive. Choosing what I do with my time. The peace of a quiet house. The ability to just exist without any pressure. It’s actually kind of lovely.
I could write so much on this topic. I am fully immersed in the algorithms that bring up articles about the “male loneliness epidemic” and how things have shifted for single women over the last few decades. It all makes a lot of sense – and once I grieved my marriage, I really embraced the journey of decentering men and working to deprogram my brain for decades of cultural conditioning that told me my value was in being chosen. Being single no longer feels like a failure. In fact, it’s become a conscious choice. Maybe not forever, but for now, I think I prefer being single. I have so little desire to date or meet someone right now. I’m just pouring my energy and time into enjoying my life and building a future I am excited about.
I have dabbled a bit with dating, and remain open to it, but mostly have found that the state of adult dating right now is kind of terrible anyway. Being alone and investing my time into my own hobbies/interests, my son, my friends and family – is a lot more fulfilling and less stressful.
This baffles my mother, who seems convinced that cannot possibly be ok being alone. I am not sure if it’s her generation, her own codependent relationship, or her experience with my brothers divorces (which involved a lot more depression and substance abuse), but she seems to genuinely believe that I am just hiding how sad and lonely I am from her. Perhaps she genuinely believes that I can’t be happy without a partner. I have told her many times that I am doing just fine, but I am constantly hearing from my family that she continues to ask everyone “how I’m really doing” and believes that the fact that I am not talking to her about it means I am hiding it and secretly really depressed.
Truthfully, there’s nothing to talk about. I haven’t dated anyone seriously, and I am not depressed.
I live alone, but I’m not lonely. And – living alone doesn’t mean I am alone. I have a great community of family and friends that I see regularly and who I know are there to support if I need them.
I also have an amicable coparenting relationship with my ex husband – whom I have come to really value as a friend and who is equally involved in parenting our son with me.
I think this is becoming more and more common – but I do find that I am having to convince people that I am fine (happy even) simply because I am a single woman in her late thirties.
Woman Asunder 